you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
