I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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