Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
