Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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