I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Hippo gnu deer
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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