Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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