I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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