The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
