Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
