I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
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Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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