He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
