I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
