I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
