my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
