Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize