I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
