I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
