and next time when you feel me up, do it right
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
