So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
