next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
