Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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