You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
