if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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