I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
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I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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