So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
