So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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