my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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