Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
