i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
