She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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