I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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