I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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