hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
