I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
