So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
