also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
