Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
