Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
