omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
