HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
