I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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