Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
