I am in a vortex of obligation.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
