VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
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I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
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perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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