What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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