It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
