Jerry, you need to find god
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
