epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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