Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
