Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
