I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I did not marry a roomba.
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