I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
