Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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