I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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