i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
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