i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
