Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I can't put those talents on a resume
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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