This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We left the knife in your bed.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
