Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
